I Don’t Feel, Guilty…

Call this, the, evolution of a, broken, heart if you will…

I don’t feel, guilty, NOT as I imagined that I would…

I don’t feel, guilty, because, I don’t have that feeling STUCK, in the place where my heart used to be (still THE Tin Man here???), I don’t feel, anything at all, in fact.

what it was like for me…photo from online

I don’t feel, guilty, for leaving, THIS life I used to know, behind, besides, this was, my OLD life, and I’d, begun, anew now, so, no guilt there.

I don’t feel, guilty, because I’d run out of that, feeling, since  those, crocodile tears, stopped, working THEIR magic on me, and, no one will, EVER, control me with her/his, tears again!

I don’t feel, guilty, I can’t feel guilty, because, I’d become, immune from that particular oldest, TRICK in the book you’d, implored to, control me.

and now…breaking those, chains…photo from online

I don’t feel, guilty, like I used to, feel, so awful, when I see those living in poverty, those who’d lost their, limbs, the beggars, covered up in the dirt, crawling on the streets, begging for a, handout.

Maybe, I don’t feel guilty, because I’d become, completely, without, a heart, who knows???

Surrounded by the River of His, Lies…

She was, surrounded by the river of his, lies, and, despite how she’d, begun to, tune him out, his lies, they still, flooded her over, there’s no, stopping them from swallowing her, whole.

Surrounded by the river of his, lies, she felt that panic from within her mind, rising up, like acid, slowly, traveling, upwards in her, esophagus, and then, she’d, vomited, purged all his lies, out!

STUCK, TRAPPED, in those, dangerous, rapids…photo from online

Surrounded by the river of his, lies, she’d, paddled hard, using her hand, she didn’t even have the oars, suited for this, white rafting HELL that she’d found her self in.  Surrounded by the river of his, lies, his lies came at her hard, like the, raging waves of that, rapid.

Surrounded by the river of his, lies, she almost got, swallowed whole, but, she’d struggled, to break her self free, to save her own, life.  And, despite how those lies he’d told her, that she’d taken to be, truthful, they’d started, fading, dissipating, and then, the water was, calmer then, and she’d found that opening, and, paddled her way, out into, the cove, not knowing, what awaits her, in the, deep, dark waters.

But she knew, that anything would be, a HELL of a lot, better than, getting, trapped, inside that, delta, where she became, stranded, by his, lies.

Lived in This Gilded Cage You’d, Built, for Me…

I’d lived in this gilded cage you’d, built, for me, for, many, many, many years on end, and never once, had I thought of, this, four-walled, prison you’d, made to, capture me in, because it got, everything I needed, food, entertainment, the BEST equipment, the BEST of everything you can, imagine…

Lived in this gilded cage you’d, built, for me, I got everything going for me, the only thing I didn’t have was, my own, personal, freedom: the need to answer to NOBODY else other than my own, self, and, just like Bluebeard’s bride, I was, given the whole world, all the riches, all the things I’d ever longed for, and wanted, but that became, not quite, enough, ‘cuz, something was, still missing, I just, couldn’t quite, put my fingers around it.

how I’d been “kept”, like a, @#$%ING, P-E-T! Illustration from online

Until one day, there was, a baby bird that got separated from its mama, and, flew in from the window, and, landed, right on the center of my, palm…

And, I started wondering, WHAT sort of a different world is out there, and I’d, started working up my, escape, plan.

Lived in this gilded cage you’d, built, for me, way too long, I’d forgotten how to, stand UP, for my self, and I’d become, crippled in everything that I did, because, you TOOK away my right to learn, to fend for my own, self!

and I broke, F-R-E-E!

like, this…photo from online

I broke free, from this, gilded cage you’d, made for me, to live in, and, as soon as that latch got, loosened, I’d, RAMMED through that god damn well, and, spread my wings, and flew, so high, I’d never, felt so free, and that, was all it took, for me, to decide, to NEVER, return again!

Stepping Out, of Her, Wallflower, Shells

She had, stood, perfectly, still, and looked, pretty!  Well, know what, ASSholes???  She’s, finally HAD it!

Stepping out, of her, wallflower, shells, she’s, MORE than just a pretty face, and she’d been, trying so #$!%ing hard to PROVE to the men around her that she’s, just as, capable, if NOT more so, than they all are, combined!

Stepping out, of her, wallflower, shells, she no longer feel compelled, to dress herself up for men to look at.  She doesn’t, live, for ANYBODY else but her self.  Stepping out, of her, wallflower, shells, and she’d, felt freer than before, and, for the very first time, she’d, breathed, easily, with, NO restrictions of what she should be, of how she felt, compelled, to fit to the stereotype that the world fitted her into.

seeing her own reflection, as who she is, for, the very first time…photo from online

She’d, broken free!

Stepping out, of her, wallflower, shells, that, is the only thing she’d ever done, for her self, and it’s, the only thing that mattered to her, in her life now…

Breaking Out of These, Nightmares…

These nightmares, they’d, kept me, locked in, and I’d, rattled up this god DAMN hardened cage, and, barely, made a small dent. But I’m still, trying to, break out of these, nightmares…

Breaking out of these, nightmares, I keep on, dreaming of the day that I eventually will, and until then, these dreams, are just, not-yet-happening for me. Breaking out of these, nightmares, they’d, swallowed me whole, and I found myself, like that elephant, swallowed by that snake (from Le Petit Prince) that everybody misses out on, because on the surface, I look, like that god DAMN H-A-T!

what the nightmares were doing to me...anime found online

Breaking out of these, nightmares, I won’t, STOP trying, to KICK and SCREAM, to BREAK myself of these god DAMN chains that kept me bound. Breaking out of these, nightmares, I’d, lived in them too long, it’d become, normal to me now, and I’d become, like a zombie, going from day to day, just, going through the motions here, but not really, living at all…

Breaking out of these, nightmares, I had, and these nightmares became, things that came from, that long-ago, too FUCKED up to even think on, past, and I’d gotten over everything in my past, and, my past no longer, has that tightened, DEATH-GRIP on my life now, and I’m, finally F-R-E-E!

and this, is what I’d done…sketch from online

All I Can Hear, is the Wind, Rumbling in My Heart

All I can hear, is the wind, rumbling in my heart, and the wind was too loud, I can’t, hear, nothing (and your point being???) else.

For a short while, I was, actually, glad, that the wind had, drowned everything else out, that I didn’t, hear, ANYTHING beside it, then, after awhile, I got, bored, of hearing that wind all the time, and, it only entered into my ears, but, never found its way, back out again.  So, the wind kept, echoing, inside of my ears, hitting my eardrums, getting louder, louder, as it’d, bounced back from my eardrums.

it’s, like this, but, for a human being…oh,and my tongue isn’t, sticking out either!  Photo found online

All I can hear, is the wind in my ears, as I drove off, with the windows down, for the very first time, ‘cuz when we drove together, you’d, always made sure the windows were sealed up tight, so the A-C don’t get out, and, whatever music you wanted, was what we’d, listened to, what about WHAT I want to listen to, huh?

All I can hear, is the wind in my ears, and, I feel, like a million tons lifted, off my body, and I was, able, to fly now, I’d, broken free, from these chains of, your love, and, nothing’s, EVER gonna, bring me back down again.

All I can hear, is the wind in my ears, and, it’s, a great feeling, to finally, get my freedom back, and, I’d, not realized, how good my freedom felt, until, I broke free, from you.

Locked Up, Inside This, Gilded Cage of Your Lies…

Locked up, inside this, gilded cage of your lies, I’d been, for too long, there were, several times you’d, opened up the doors to this, gilded cage of your lies, and yet, I’d, forgotten, how to, spread my wings, and escape from it, got so used to living with your lies in my life…

this was, what I was…image from online…

Locked up, inside this, gilded cage of your lies, I was, for a long, long, long time, and I was, too young, too naïve, believing that you got, NOTHING but good intentions, and yet you know what they say???  The road to HELL is, paved with good intentions, well, you KNOW what, I’d been, living in HELL so god damn FUCKING (no, don’t pardon me!!!) long, I couldn’t even tell the difference anymore, until, it’d, dawned on me.

And now, after struggling, long and hard, plotting my own, jail break, I’d finally, broken out, of these restraints you put on my life, and I’m, locked up, in this, gilded cage of your lies, NO more!!!

Locked up, in this, gilded cage of your lies, I’d been, for way too god damn long, but now, I’d, come to know, what real freedom felt like, I know what you’d, given me, wasn’t anything good, nor is it, anything I want, and so, I’d, broken free, for good, and I ain’t, NEVER eatin’ out of your hands again.

and this, is what became of me…image found online

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Luna Moth, Breaking Out of its Cocoons & Soaring High

Breaking FREE, and it does, feel L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G!!!  Translated…

For These Moments of My Beauty

I’d, Shed Off Layers after Layers, after Layers of Skin

And Finally, My Moment Came

here’s the metamorphosis process…photo found online

I Flap My Wings

Break Out of My Cocoon

I’m So Free Right Now, to

Soar Toward the Light Up Ahead

Setting oneself free, from the restraints is what this one is about, and, only WE have what it takes, to set ourselves free, to BREAK free from these chains that are, holding us down, keeping us back, from pursuing our own dreams!

 

 

 

 

Hints of Her Melancholia…

I feel it, creeping up from behind me, like that shadow, that stealthily, hid itself in plain sight from me.  Hints of her melancholia, it’d slowly, enveloped me, took my life hostage, and, no matter how hard I’d, struggled to break free from it, I couldn’t, loosen the tightened grips!

Hints of her melancholia, that, was what she’d used, to control me, because I’m, very sensitive, of the emotions that nobody else is, aware of, and so, when I’m around, she’d, thrown those, hints of her melancholia for me to pick up, and then, go to her, to shower her, with ALL of my attention, and I had, for a long time, without knowing, that it was, those mind-control tricks she’d, used, but then, one day, it’d, dawned on me, that I’d, been, controlled like this my whole life, and that, was when I’d, stopped it!

like, this???  Photo from online

Hints of her melancholia, I no longer, picked up, I can play DUMB you know, I can, act so, ignorant, so uncaring, so, insensitive, and that, was what I’d, done, to PREVENT her, from gaining control of me, and surely, it’d, felt, a bit guilty, after all, I still, got affected by her sadness, her sorrows, her unfortunate childhood issues, but slowly, I’d, learned to, NUMB myself out, until, until, those hints of her melancholia could, no longer, get to me, infesting my life anymore.

I’d, broken free………from all those years of, unknowingly being, EMOTIONALLY abused, BLACKMAILED by her!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Caged, by Those Dreams You’d, Force-Fed Me

Caged, by those dreams, you’d, force-fed me, I couldn’t say no to you, I’d, needed you, to love me, I was, so very young! Caged, by those dreams, you’d, force-fed me, I didn’t want them, but for the sakes and in the name of love, honor, blah, blah, blah, I’d, taken them from you!

like this??? not my photo…

Caged, by those dreams, you’d force-fed me, they’d, choked me, I couldn’t, breathe, I’d, called out for help to you, but, no sound came from the depth of my throat, saved for some gurgling sounds…Caged, by these drams, you’d, force-fed me, why did you shove those washed-out, old dreams of yours down my throat? Because you never had the chance, to pursue them, was that it? And now, I’m indebted to you, for raising me, I’m supposed to, discard, ALL of my own dreams, and fulfill yours, is that it???

Caged, by those dreams, you’d, force-fed me, you’d, pressured me on this road of life you’d, chosen for me (gotten a graduate degree in the major you’d wanted me to take, and in my mid-to-late thirties, you’re still, dictating my life, telling me who to and who not to go out with, to hang with, to date, and to marry???). Caged, by those dreams, you’d, force-fed me, I won’t have it, I’d, broken free, besides, I’d, already, repaid the DEBTS I’d owed as a child to you, a long, long, long time ago, my life, is mine now, and I won’t have you, telling me what to do, how to live, which road to take, which way to turn again!!!

kept locked up…not my artwork…

Caged, by those dreams, you’d, force-fed me, I had been, for a long time, I couldn’t breathe choking down those, washed out dreams of yours, until one day, I took, matters into my own hands, threw ALL your dreams into the TRASH, and I, ran away, without ever, looking back to where, I’d, left you at………